Body Image has always been on my mind. As a boudoir photographer the topic was almost always brought up by clients. Often upon on hearing that I was a photographer people would say they want to book me but first, they would need to lose weight or tone up. Sometimes they would book me months ahead of time with the goal to change their body before our photoshoot. As their session neared, they would panic, reschedule saying they needed more time and sometimes completely ghost their session. It always made me sad knowing they didn’t feel worthy of being seen. I can understand and empathize though because before I dug in ans did my own work of facing body image I often put things off thinking I needed to change my body first. Perhaps I was drawn to study body image. It was something I struggled with as a teenager and all through my twenties. I help me back from living authentically and enjoying life for many years.
Body image is complex and understanding it requires we take a step outside of ourselves to see the large picture of how and why it impacts us the way it does. Body Image as defined by Collin Mc Shirley, MA, LFT “The perception that a person has of their physical self and the thoughts and feelings that result from that perception. Feelings can be positive, negative, neutral or any combination. They can be influenced by individual or environmental factors.” It’s important to note that a person’s body image can strongly influence their behavior.
When we see that body image can impact human behavior, we see why so many of us change how we live to accommodate our thoughts about our bodies. How we think and feel impacts how we show up in the world When body image affects our behavior it can also begin to affect intimacy and our relationships with partner and even has ourselves. Listed are some of the ways that body image can cause sex and intimacy to be stressful. It may lead to avoidance of sex and/ or cause low libido. Sexual inhibition is also quite common and someone struggling with body image may be too insecure to freely enjoy sex. This can make it much harder to have an orgasm because we aren’t’ present in the sensations of our body. All of this can lead to lost connection both with our own body and within our relationship with our partner. Common body image concerns related to intimacy are body size, appearance of genitals, skin texture, rolls and folds, scars, hair and signs of aging. These insecurities can cause us to disconnect from our own body and can begin to feel unworthy of pleasure.
So what can we do? How can we push back on the negativity that can feel consuming. First, recognize that it is a process and a practice. We didn’t get her overnight. Our complex feelings are often the result of years of messaging from all around us. This messaging often serves the purpose of trying to make us feel a certain way so that we feel inadequate and will buy whatever they are selling. This is part of the capitalistic patriarchal society that we are all immersed in. By understanding how we got here we can begin to break away. Through curiosity and compassion, we can unravel the thread that has bound us. It is important for us to realize that bodies are ALWAYS in a state of flux. They change throughout our lives and that is completely normal. Being tied to aesthetics is dangerous because your body can and will change. Accept that change is a normal and healthy part of having a body and learn to embrace it and support it in all its stages and states. One way we can begin to do this is by teaching ourselves to see and appreciate the diversity of bodies. By appreciating the diverse bodies on others, we begin to chip away at those beauty standards that have become engrained into our consciousness. One thing we can do is find body positive accounts on social media that both challenge and inspire us on our own body image journey.
I could honestly talk about body image all day because there is a lot to unpack here but I will leave you with this. Instead of focusing on the way your body looks or even what it allows you to do (which can pull us back to capitalism and the requirement that our body must DO something to be good) turn instead to appreciating what your body allows you to experience. If we have a body, it means we are alive and that allows us to experience life. Gratitude is powerful and by focusing our appreciation on experiences we can begin to shift our perspective. Bringing it back to intimacy the focus of experience teaches us to relish in the pleasure our body allows us to feel. This doesn’t even have to be about sex although it can. There is pleasure in floating in a river, that first morning stretch, of feeling the wind against our skin or maybe the sand beneath our feet. By focusing on pleasure, we can connect to our body and begin to live an embodied and joyful life.
Originally published in Pepper’s September Issue