Starting is always the hardest part they say and that’s certainly true for myself. When I was first invited to be a columnist for Pepper, I was thrilled then immediately terrified. First, a confession…. I have major anxiety about writing. I know I am not an exceptional writer and of course I know anytime I offer up insights I am judged. So here is where I am at … I am here because I am passionate about these topics and my commitment is that I will always write with my heart (and head), but I never claim to be the end all be all expert. While I may have invested thousands of hours into my education on the topics, I will address I know there is always more to learn, and I am committed to doing so. I recognize that culture and our individual lives are always changing. When we know better, we could be better. My goal is to sprinkle what I have learned through my formal education and experiences and hopefully inspire you. I invite you all to stay kind, stay curious and stay compassionate as we embark on this journey together.
Since this issue is centered on men’s issues for this first column, I decided to focus misconceptions on men’s libidos. As a certified sexologist I can say that while many of my clients are women, I also have my fair share of male clientele that struggle with sex and intimacy. Many of us are aware of the dangers of unrealistic expectations around sex. Porn often depicts sex and the bodies that have them in a way that does not reflect the reality or experience of sex that many of us have. Unfortunately, media has not done a great job either. Couples seem to effortlessly fall into bed without conversations around consent or safety precautions and then they simultaneously have orgasms before collapsing in post sex bliss. But this isn’t real, it’s fictional sex and to treat it as anything other than fiction leaves a lot of room for confusion and shame when our realities don’t match up with what we have been conditioned to think is “normal”.
While both genders can have impractical expectations due to those representations, today I am focusing on male libido. It is not uncommon for men to have unreasonable assumptions about sex and put extra pressure on themselves to “perform” as a result. This can lead to a cascade of sexual issues (many of which will be future topics). Regionally this is exasperated in our male machismo dominated culture that is prevalent here in South Central Texas. There is a pervasive myth that all men have high sex drives and while that is certainly is true for some men it can also be true of some women. And just as some women feel less interested in sex there are men that will have a lower libido. Sexuality is a spectrum, and our libido can and does change over our lives. One of the reasons couples work with me is because they have mismatched libidos but it’s not always the men with the higher sex drive. In fact, in my own personal experience with clients it’s often the reverse. the cultural expectation that men want sex all the time can be distressing for the couple. The man can feel stressed and shame which can result in additional sexual issues and the man’s partner can have feelings of turmoil as they wonder why their partner isn’t as interested as society has told us they should be.
Men’s sexual appetite can vary and just like women and agender individuals. Men can also be asexual or demisexual. Asexual is the lack of sexual attraction to others, or a low interest in sexual activity. Demisexual people only feel sexually attracted to someone when they have an emotional bond with the person. Of course, an individual need not be asexual or demisexual to experience a deviation from cultural expectations around sex. Sexual desire can ebb and flow throughout our lives and certain life circumstances a play a role in those changes. Men can also face stress, medical issues, mental health challenges, side effects from medications, body image concerns…. Etc. All of these can and do impact sexual desire. There are ways to navigate the challenges of low libido for those that seek to but first a person must be vulnerable and communicate with their partner.
Whether you are a man or in a relationship with a man the most powerful gifts to offer a person is grace, recognize that we all experience sexuality differently and it changes at different points in our lives. There is no one way to be a man and rather than limit others and ourselves with narrow molds I invite us to see and accept the diversity of the human sexual experience. It can look a lot of different ways. Focus on communication skills in and out of the bedroom because without communication there can be disconnect between partners. Communication isn’t always easy though especially because it requires that vulnerability. And again, as a culture we haven’t given men, especially, a whole lot of room to be vulnerable. True intimacy requires vulnerability from all parties. We must collectively and individually release preconceived notions around masculinity and sex if we want to find deeper intimacy in our relationships.
Originally published in Pepper’s June Issue